From A Long, Long Time Ago

Putting some ancient entries back (aka facing my past, my fears, my own demons, whatever...)...Jan 08 seems like such a long time ago!

JANUARY 29, 2008

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious - Brendan Gill

For the longest time, I’ve wanted to start a blog. But for an even longer time, I struggled to find a good reason to do so.

I know of many bad reasons that I would want to maintain a blog and the worst of them is to let it develop into some sort of a compilation of my random thoughts and a chronicle of the mundane matters of my life. Honestly, I don’t think I’m the sort that will bother walking down memory lane on any lazy afternoons because as it is now, I’ve got more interesting things to read than I have time to read them.

I revisited the idea of keeping a blog when I realized that I had come to a point where I desperately needed to identify for myself a passion that I can live for, to cherish each and every moment of my life and the people that I love, and DOCUMENT the lessons that life and love have to offer me and those who chance upon this blog.

You see, people always end up doing the very things that they tell themselves tirelessly never to do. We call this the Law of Attraction. To my utter disgust, if not horror, I realize that this is after all, going to be a blog that will develop into some kind of a compilation of my random thoughts and a chronicle of the everyday events in my life.

But to compensate those who have unwittingly been led to this very self-centred space of mine that I’ve decided to make public (I’ve always thought of myself as one of the most private person I know, but my darling sister has recently shed some light on me that those who love the color purple are people who live for attention, and I ADORE purple…so, go figure), I’ll limit my random thoughts to those concerning online trading, and matters of the heart (yes I know they are not related, but this is my blog and I write what I want to write!).

I dedicate this blog to these folks that I love with all my heart:
- my darling sister, the seabloke who forwarded the address blogspot.com to me without which I would never have started my first blog posting,
- Pilot, my little brother and ex partner-in-crime,
- D, my best friend and current partner-in-crime, and
- Ken, an amazingly gentle, selfless and non-judgmental friend with whom I share many interests and secrets


FEBRUARY 27, 2008

Vero Amore

Seabloke has a friend, G, whose husband has been a good friend of Seabloke’s for coming to 2 decades now (boy, Seabloke, you’re old!). G is one of the sweetest, most demure ladies I’ve met. She’s independent, jovial, makes a lovely company, and clearly among the rare few girls that I can understand – even the part where she chooses to hang on to a man totally unworthy of her love and devotion.

Her husband, De Kroke, to whom she’s been married for less than 2 years (yes, Seabloke?), is a total ass. Without going into details, he’s been 3 and possibly 4 or 5-timing G for the longest time and totally humiliated her by not even bothering to cover his tracks. To add insult to injury, he allows his lovers to confront G at her doorstep. Recently, De Kroke took off without warning to live with God knows who among TOW1 ,TOW2 and TOW3– well, Seabloke might just know since she’s been spying on him :-P - and has not returned in months, leaving G to have reunion dinner with Seabloke’s family and mine on Chinese New Year.

Yet G continues to put up with De Kroke’s shit to this day, I reckon, and believes that he will change his ways. We hate to break G’s heart, but Seabloke and I have known De Kroke long enough to know that THAT is what De Kroke is – the typical womanizer who knows not what love means, and like all the chauvinistic pigs out there, marries simply to secure the companionship he figures he’ll need when he’s too old and wasted to play.

The sad truth about us is that we never really change (incidentally, Seabloke has had something to share on the subject matter) , even if we resolutely want to, for ourselves or for the people we love. We take a shot at reformation - at the detriment of our own mental well-being and that of others – only to end up confused, if not mildly psychotic.

I’m against the notion of suffering for love and have no sympathy for romantics. Give me a choice to live with someone to whom I’m fatally attracted yet cannot hold on to, and someone who shares my values, respects me and would give up his life for me, I’ll take the latter in a heartbeat.

To be fair to De Kroke, he’s been steadfast to TOW1 and TOW2, albeit simultaneously (you really have to give it to the man – from where does he get all his energy??). And the reason is probably coz they are three of a kind. Especially TOW1 – now how do I even begin to describe her? She’s from another planet – possessive, malicious, wild and highly sexual and everything that G is not. For De Kroke to be so enthralled by her, she and De Kroke must clearly have something in common.

But as fate would have it, TOW1 is married too. To complicate matters, she’s brought 3 innocent lives into this world (Reminds me of Seabloke, Pilot - our 30-yr-old little brother - and myself. Now do I really want to start on my mother? ..... Hell, big “NO”!!) and with the way that things are, there can only be one outcome: Everyone gets hurt.

So my question is, how much are we willing to pay for what most have come to believe to be "true love” – the kind that is passionate, totally consuming, and possessive and stings like hell? I personally didn’t understand the Romeo and Juliet kind of love. The love I’ve always known is tender, kind, ever forgiving and giving, serene and doesn’t hurt.

I much prefer to not have to hurt. So as far as matters of the heart are concerned, I’ve always trod prudently. But when love becomes so rational and calculative, is it even truly love anymore?

I guess I might never find out. My life is good as it is – uneventful, calm and where everything makes sense – albeit a tad machine-like, all because my darling husband is a lovely man who’s perfect for me, whose values are consistent with mine, and whose temperaments complement mine. This is a man who cannot keep his eyes focused on mine for a nanosecond when we lock lips coz his mind is always somewhere else, mostly in pc land, cringes whenever my hair falls on his face when I kiss him goodnight, and who can’t hold any conversations with me that’re not immediately related to the practical matters of life, and yet I’ve lived with him for 15 years without feeling like there’s any other that can ever take his place.

Maybe G feels for De Kroke the way that no others can understand. But personally, I’m not programmed to continue to feel for people who are not committed to being with me. Living in pain is not an option for me unless it serves a higher purpose. Then only God will know the whys and wherefores and I’m living in faith that He will tell me someday. In the event that He doesn’t, I still would have learnt something... And I know I have.


MARCH 9, 2008

Rudolph

I feel for Rudolph. It has been 4 months since he was deserted by his owners who for some reason decided the place they were relocating to was too good for him. When I first found Rudolph, he was crying outside what used to be his home. The gate was locked. The surrounding felt so desolated and Rudolph looked so piteous I have not been able to get the scene out of my head since.

Rudolph now takes shelter under cars, has turned a little grayish from the soots from cars, and is in constant danger of being run over one day by an unwary driver. Now and then he returns to his old home and he wails every time he's there. Among the strays that D and I feed everyday, he's the most emotionally attached to us and will follow us when we went around feeding our feline friends. During times when he failed to catch up, we would find him waiting faithfully for us to return.

Rudolph is not the prettiest cat by conventional standards - he has a squarish head that's excessively big relative to his body size, his eyes are constantly red with discharge and his tail is mildly deformed. And for a cat, he walks really clumsy - kinda like a bull dog.... But he is so affectionate and soulful that anyone with a heart would have found it impossible to not be moved by his sorrow and suffering. I personally find it hard to not love him.

It disturbs me that the people who once loved him and have had him since he was born could one day just decide to shut the door on him (he was already banned from entering the house shortly before the family moved away). Rudolph had never been let out of the house prior to that and that makes the act of throwing him out all the more cruel. Did the family ever consider how he was going to live? Did it ever cross their mind that Rudolph could die from a broken heart?

I'm glad that Rudolph seemed to have adapted to his new natural environment and made some friends. During my recent visit, I couldn't help but noticed how big he had grown. He has been well-fed by and won the hearts of total strangers who come a long way from where they are living just to make sure he doesn't starve.

He's definitely much better off without the people who left him for dead. And it seems to me that Rudolph has finally come to realize that he can be happy without them.

Sadly, humans are often not as quick in recognizing that they've been abused and exploited and many continue to put up with bad treatment because they are too afraid to stand up for themselves. Sometimes I wonder if it's loneliness they fear the most. And I wonder if the only time they will consider walking away from a tormenting relationship and a parasitic partner is when they chance upon greener pastures. Such people can never find happiness in being alone. They expect to be cherished and love and if you fail them, they'll really hate you from the bottom of their heart, and they will make sure you know that they do.

I'm glad to have met such a person, and I'm most glad that he's not my husband.

MARCH 12, 2008

Soliton

D and I were catching this episode of Alias that featured a scene where Sydney’s evil ex-KGB mother was threatened with solitary confinement when she acted up while being incarcerated within a CIA stronghold. Here's a very succinct discussion I had with D regarding “solitary confinement” following that scene:

Me: I’ve been DYING to ask this: isn’t “alone time” a godsend if you’re in prison?? What’s so scary about solitary confinement???

D: You don't get to read. No books allowed...

Me: NOOOOO!!! That's horrible!!

I must have books. They keep me happy.

Thanks to my mother, I can be left alone for weeks – probably even months – on end, as long as I have air, water, food and books.

I must have barely turned 5 when mother began to inculcate in me a hunger for knowledge and an affinity for solitude by giving me piles of reading material of all genres – fictions, biographies, comics, fashion magazines, tabloid newspapers, teachings of Buddha and what have you – to keep me occupied whenever I got restless and needed attention from her.

Seabloke got the pacifier.


MARCH 16, 2008

Ken, I Like Trees...


MAY 8, 2008

Land, Sea & Air

Was helping Pilot to move some stuff from Seabloke's to his new place and couldn't help but felt really sad for him. When will my little brother find a place he can call his own? When will he meet someone decent he can share his joy and sorrow with?

And Seabloke has problems of her own...

For the first time since Dad was gone, I am glad he's not here to feel the pain that we are feeling.

2008 is a really bad year.