It happened in the winter of 1994, shortly after Christmas, at 10pm Edmonton time. The streets of the heart of the city was surprisingly quiet for a weekend. It's probably the cold that's keeping everyone in. Alberta's winter can get quite brutal. Stay out for 5mins and you wouldn't be able to even smile - I call it the "frozen nerve syndrome".
Cozy in my 22nd floor studio apartment, I was about to get into bed while waiting for D to drop by. I had left my door unlock, as usual (it was Edmonton 15 years ago, only people who suffer from paranoia lock their doors), and had something interesting to read: lecture notes from engineering class....
I was setting my alarm clock when I heard the door opened. Expecting the visitor to be D, I hadn't gotten out of bed to receive him. 10 seconds later, I had this really bad feeling that the visitor wasn't D. I got up, went to the other end of my bed where I could see the door, and froze when I saw a really tall white man standing right there in the middle of the hallway, WITH HIS SHOES ON MY FREAKING CLEAN CARPET!! And I remember saying to myself, "Damn it! Not the time to worry about your carpet!!!".
I waited for him to make his demand - no screams, no asking rhetorical what-do-you-want or who-are-you or what-the-hell-are-you-doing-in-my-apartment-stranger questions. He assessed me for a while before asking me for my wallet. Great, he really wanted my empty wallet (I was penniless then, owed the school a year's tuition fees, and was living one day at a time without knowing how I'd get by the following day - all thanks to my mother who refused to give me a single cent of the entire proceeds of a house I sold in Edmonton, which I handed over to her when she cried - I can't stand a woman crying - come to think of it, I was kind of glad that my Dad's assets in Singapore were all frozen coz had it not been, my life would have turned out totally different and I would have had become one of those spoilt brats who wastes her life away).
I handed over my wallet and waited for him to curse and swear and hurl his threats. He had covered his face with his jacket the whole time, and when he needed to open my wallet, he told me to get down on the floor and keep my head down. I did as I was told. Not going to piss off someone with a gun. Then I heard him taking something out of my wallet. Strange, I thought, that he actually took SOMETHING out. When he was done, he dropped my wallet next to me, and SAID SORRY. Then he walked away from me, and made his way towards the door. I heard the door closed after him. My instinct was to get up immediately to lock the door. I actually THOUGHT I did it. It was all in my mind. Physically, I was still on my knees. I had spent the precious seconds PROCESSING what had just happened!
In that few seconds that I could have acted to change the outcome of what happened that day, I had used it to PONDER on the coulda-woulda-shoulda.
And something inside me told me that he was going to come back in. He did. And the surprising thing was, I wasn't surprised at all. It was almost as if I knew at the very moment of hesitation, that I would be sorry for hesitating!
He told me that a 100 bucks was not enough for him. I told him he could help himself to whatever he wanted. I was raised to never show fear. I think I outperformed that day in that aspect. But the fact that I did didn't save me. The intruder wanted to see some fear. He started kicking and throwing things around. I let him, and stood by the side, just WATCHING and THINKING. Then he found my jewelery box, opened it, and asked what they were. I took the contents out of the box and put them in his hands. He backed off immediately, and nearly dropped them. I told him those were real, and he could sell them for money. Totally pissed him off. I was really sensing that the guy was getting nervous coz I wasn't NORMAL. He was losing it coz he didn't feel that he was terrorizing me. He needed to feel in control, and I wasn't giving him the satisfaction.
He said he would kill me. I believed him. He was apparently high on drugs, and if he didn't get what he wanted, he would definitely snap sooner or later. I brought him to the kitchen - well, as a Chinese, I surely must have hidden some valuables in my rice cooker or something - coz I needed my plates to knock him out. Then I noticed his height. Forget it, he was too tall, I hadn't a chance. And he kept saying he was going to kill me. Just great, I thought, I had just turned 21, and I was going to die. Then I cursed myself for spending precious time thinking useless thoughts. Focus! I told myself. Get out of this place coz this guy isn't here to rob. He's here for adrenaline. He's a cat playing with a toy and when he gets sick of it he's just going to kill it.
I sobbed to buy time. It immediately disarmed him a little. He stopped yelling, and became POLITE again.
I opened the cabinet on top of my fridge, went under it, and from the other side, I opened the doors of the fridge right under the cabinet. Then I dashed for my keys which he had thrown right in the middle of the living room (which was why I stood and watch at first when he was throwing things around - I was paying attention to my KEYS). When I ran pass the kitchen to get to my main door, I saw him knocking his head on my cabinet door and his balls on the fridge door. Clumsy son-of-a-bitch. I wondered if he was both high on alcohol and drugs, - he had an unsteady stance, and I noticed that when I was WATCHING.
I got out, and ran down the stairs that were right next to my apartment. I could have turned right and knocked on the doors of all my neighbours, but instinct told me that that would be stupid coz the guy would get a clear shot the moment he got out of my apartment Since he was clumsy, I had a much better chance by taking the stairs.
I got out after a few storeys, and ran straight along the hallway, knocking on every door and screaming that someone with a gun was after me. I hadn't the time to wait for anyone to open their door, and when finally got one that answered immediately (probably heard my screams for a while already), and that bastard had to appear at the door of the stairway that I had just gotten out from. Shit, clear shot again! I ran again, down the stairs (there were 2 staircases, one at each end of each level), and I could hear him coming after me. When I finally got down to level 6, which was the entrance to the parking lot, I opened the door to get out.
IT WAS LOCKED!!
I continued down the stairs, went to level 5.
Door was locked too!
Went to level 4.
LOCKED!!
DAMN!!!
All the doors were locked and I was at the ground level. No more stairs to run down. Only a door that was probably locked too.
I turned it, and it opened!
I dashed out, ran down the parking lot, which had 3 basements, and I kept running til I got to the guard house. The 2 guards on duty wanted to bring me to the lobby, and I refused. I took their phone and called the police. A small crowd had gathered, and a few ladies wanted to bring me to the lobby. I went with them, and saw that a much bigger crowd had gathered there. I had apparently woken many good folks with my screams. One of the guards put a towel over me. I realized later why. I was in my very light viscose nightgown - seablue - one of my favorite colors - and it was TRANSLUCENT, and I had worn NOTHING inside. And I was trembling.
Then I saw my captor STROLLING pass the entrance to the lobby to take a look at me. That sick SOB! I whispered to a friend from high school (we lived in the same building, and he was one of those who had gathered at the lobby) that I saw the guy. He asked what he looked like. I gave him a description, but wasn't sure it was a good idea for him to go after him. He did, together with another friend. They were big guys.
Anyway, they got him after chasing him down a few blocks. Pinned him to the ground, recovered my belongings (thank goodness, coz without those evidences, I could easily have accused an innocent man that was put on the stand - coz I definitely had no recollection of the face just ONE day after the incident).
The next day, I was on the 2nd page of the local newspaper - without my pictures of course coz I had refused an interview. It read "Female Tennant TERRORIZED By Intruder". The intruder was out on PAROLE- his FIRST day out!
Recently, whenever I froze when my trade went against me, I would think about that moment that I hadn't gotten out of my shock fast enough to lock the door. I have to bring back the memory of that REGRET that I had felt, so that I would do something DIFFERENT this time - the right thing.
But I have never forgotten the 100 bucks that D had slipped quietly into my wallet the night before I was mugged. He said I was so fierce then he hadn't dared to offer me money, so he could only put it in my wallet quietly. That 100 bucks had saved our relationship over and over. Coz whenever I was reminded of the fact that this was a man who appeared at the most desperate point of my life, didn't look down on me, didn't desert me, did everything he could to make me feel protected and dignified, I would do everything in my ability, and against my very MANLY nature, to be the kind of woman that he needs.
I'm still NOT that woman, but I'm on my way there.
Cozy in my 22nd floor studio apartment, I was about to get into bed while waiting for D to drop by. I had left my door unlock, as usual (it was Edmonton 15 years ago, only people who suffer from paranoia lock their doors), and had something interesting to read: lecture notes from engineering class....
I was setting my alarm clock when I heard the door opened. Expecting the visitor to be D, I hadn't gotten out of bed to receive him. 10 seconds later, I had this really bad feeling that the visitor wasn't D. I got up, went to the other end of my bed where I could see the door, and froze when I saw a really tall white man standing right there in the middle of the hallway, WITH HIS SHOES ON MY FREAKING CLEAN CARPET!! And I remember saying to myself, "Damn it! Not the time to worry about your carpet!!!".
I waited for him to make his demand - no screams, no asking rhetorical what-do-you-want or who-are-you or what-the-hell-are-you-doing-in-my-apartment-stranger questions. He assessed me for a while before asking me for my wallet. Great, he really wanted my empty wallet (I was penniless then, owed the school a year's tuition fees, and was living one day at a time without knowing how I'd get by the following day - all thanks to my mother who refused to give me a single cent of the entire proceeds of a house I sold in Edmonton, which I handed over to her when she cried - I can't stand a woman crying - come to think of it, I was kind of glad that my Dad's assets in Singapore were all frozen coz had it not been, my life would have turned out totally different and I would have had become one of those spoilt brats who wastes her life away).
I handed over my wallet and waited for him to curse and swear and hurl his threats. He had covered his face with his jacket the whole time, and when he needed to open my wallet, he told me to get down on the floor and keep my head down. I did as I was told. Not going to piss off someone with a gun. Then I heard him taking something out of my wallet. Strange, I thought, that he actually took SOMETHING out. When he was done, he dropped my wallet next to me, and SAID SORRY. Then he walked away from me, and made his way towards the door. I heard the door closed after him. My instinct was to get up immediately to lock the door. I actually THOUGHT I did it. It was all in my mind. Physically, I was still on my knees. I had spent the precious seconds PROCESSING what had just happened!
In that few seconds that I could have acted to change the outcome of what happened that day, I had used it to PONDER on the coulda-woulda-shoulda.
And something inside me told me that he was going to come back in. He did. And the surprising thing was, I wasn't surprised at all. It was almost as if I knew at the very moment of hesitation, that I would be sorry for hesitating!
He told me that a 100 bucks was not enough for him. I told him he could help himself to whatever he wanted. I was raised to never show fear. I think I outperformed that day in that aspect. But the fact that I did didn't save me. The intruder wanted to see some fear. He started kicking and throwing things around. I let him, and stood by the side, just WATCHING and THINKING. Then he found my jewelery box, opened it, and asked what they were. I took the contents out of the box and put them in his hands. He backed off immediately, and nearly dropped them. I told him those were real, and he could sell them for money. Totally pissed him off. I was really sensing that the guy was getting nervous coz I wasn't NORMAL. He was losing it coz he didn't feel that he was terrorizing me. He needed to feel in control, and I wasn't giving him the satisfaction.
He said he would kill me. I believed him. He was apparently high on drugs, and if he didn't get what he wanted, he would definitely snap sooner or later. I brought him to the kitchen - well, as a Chinese, I surely must have hidden some valuables in my rice cooker or something - coz I needed my plates to knock him out. Then I noticed his height. Forget it, he was too tall, I hadn't a chance. And he kept saying he was going to kill me. Just great, I thought, I had just turned 21, and I was going to die. Then I cursed myself for spending precious time thinking useless thoughts. Focus! I told myself. Get out of this place coz this guy isn't here to rob. He's here for adrenaline. He's a cat playing with a toy and when he gets sick of it he's just going to kill it.
I sobbed to buy time. It immediately disarmed him a little. He stopped yelling, and became POLITE again.
I opened the cabinet on top of my fridge, went under it, and from the other side, I opened the doors of the fridge right under the cabinet. Then I dashed for my keys which he had thrown right in the middle of the living room (which was why I stood and watch at first when he was throwing things around - I was paying attention to my KEYS). When I ran pass the kitchen to get to my main door, I saw him knocking his head on my cabinet door and his balls on the fridge door. Clumsy son-of-a-bitch. I wondered if he was both high on alcohol and drugs, - he had an unsteady stance, and I noticed that when I was WATCHING.
I got out, and ran down the stairs that were right next to my apartment. I could have turned right and knocked on the doors of all my neighbours, but instinct told me that that would be stupid coz the guy would get a clear shot the moment he got out of my apartment Since he was clumsy, I had a much better chance by taking the stairs.
I got out after a few storeys, and ran straight along the hallway, knocking on every door and screaming that someone with a gun was after me. I hadn't the time to wait for anyone to open their door, and when finally got one that answered immediately (probably heard my screams for a while already), and that bastard had to appear at the door of the stairway that I had just gotten out from. Shit, clear shot again! I ran again, down the stairs (there were 2 staircases, one at each end of each level), and I could hear him coming after me. When I finally got down to level 6, which was the entrance to the parking lot, I opened the door to get out.
IT WAS LOCKED!!
I continued down the stairs, went to level 5.
Door was locked too!
Went to level 4.
LOCKED!!
DAMN!!!
All the doors were locked and I was at the ground level. No more stairs to run down. Only a door that was probably locked too.
I turned it, and it opened!
I dashed out, ran down the parking lot, which had 3 basements, and I kept running til I got to the guard house. The 2 guards on duty wanted to bring me to the lobby, and I refused. I took their phone and called the police. A small crowd had gathered, and a few ladies wanted to bring me to the lobby. I went with them, and saw that a much bigger crowd had gathered there. I had apparently woken many good folks with my screams. One of the guards put a towel over me. I realized later why. I was in my very light viscose nightgown - seablue - one of my favorite colors - and it was TRANSLUCENT, and I had worn NOTHING inside. And I was trembling.
Then I saw my captor STROLLING pass the entrance to the lobby to take a look at me. That sick SOB! I whispered to a friend from high school (we lived in the same building, and he was one of those who had gathered at the lobby) that I saw the guy. He asked what he looked like. I gave him a description, but wasn't sure it was a good idea for him to go after him. He did, together with another friend. They were big guys.
Anyway, they got him after chasing him down a few blocks. Pinned him to the ground, recovered my belongings (thank goodness, coz without those evidences, I could easily have accused an innocent man that was put on the stand - coz I definitely had no recollection of the face just ONE day after the incident).
The next day, I was on the 2nd page of the local newspaper - without my pictures of course coz I had refused an interview. It read "Female Tennant TERRORIZED By Intruder". The intruder was out on PAROLE- his FIRST day out!
Recently, whenever I froze when my trade went against me, I would think about that moment that I hadn't gotten out of my shock fast enough to lock the door. I have to bring back the memory of that REGRET that I had felt, so that I would do something DIFFERENT this time - the right thing.
But I have never forgotten the 100 bucks that D had slipped quietly into my wallet the night before I was mugged. He said I was so fierce then he hadn't dared to offer me money, so he could only put it in my wallet quietly. That 100 bucks had saved our relationship over and over. Coz whenever I was reminded of the fact that this was a man who appeared at the most desperate point of my life, didn't look down on me, didn't desert me, did everything he could to make me feel protected and dignified, I would do everything in my ability, and against my very MANLY nature, to be the kind of woman that he needs.
I'm still NOT that woman, but I'm on my way there.
