I told J today that I constantly wish to be able to just board a plane and go to a place where no one knows me, where I can spend all my time trading and talking to people only in cyberspace.
I am tired of my mother's drama. Very, very tired. I wish that one day, I will summon the courage to tell her that I don't care that she wants to see her daughter. There are many things that I want, and I make sure they are not human beings, coz you simply CAN'T WANT a human being!! PICK SOMETHING ELSE, MUM!
I dreamed about my Granny today. The day she died I had sat in front of my computer wondering if I had gotten my priorities all wrong, and I couldn't stop crying. So I really don't need my mother to make me feel like I'm going to live with regret for the rest of my life if I don't start to make time for her or make her the centre of my universe.
D and Sea could never understand why I can't just take her call, chat a little, then get on with my business. The thing is, my mother STRESSES me to no end. After every telephone conversation and after every gathering, she stays in my head for a long, long time. She reminds me of all of life's sadness, regrets and tragedies. If she doesn't say things explicitly to make me feel that way, her expression, her tone of voice, just the thought of her would suffice to make me feel so bad for her that I'm always left feeling that maybe I might feel better if my life is miserable.
I grow up wanting to be someone. I work very hard so that I can become great at what I do now. I barely sleep, and I had almost everyone else pushed out of my life so I have all the time to learn. I have to try so hard during market open to block out images of my mother and all that she represent so I can focus on applying what I spend the whole day rehearsing, and all my weekends diligently studying! The last thing I need from her are her calls at the strangest hours and messages that make me feel sick in the stomach. I need for her to stop being so tenacious!
I have spent half, maybe three quarters of my life, sabotaging myself stealthily, and stopping just when whatever that I want is within reach, and never knowing why I do that. I used to entertain the possibility that I have an irrational fear for success.
Now I know - that what I need to work on, before everything else, is to believe in my hearts of hearts that others' happiness is not my responsibility, and their not having it is not my doing.
I have to start putting ME first and be truly emotionless and pragmatic. D says I have anger management issue. I disagree. I don't have to manage something that I don't have. I am not angry. Just a lot of regrets and fear of more to come. It's my eternal struggle.