Trades 7/28 and 7/29

Exactly 6 months after D's mother flew home to LA for good, life is finally starting to feel like the one I had before hell broke lose in June 2012 with her touching down in Singapore.

In the time that her ladyship was here, I lost two of the things I love the most in my entire life, turned vegan, and nearly went bonkers.

I quit vegan-ism early this month after nearly dying from malnutrition, managed to put back some weight, and am starting to look like myself again.

Luke has been with us for more than 2 months now. I haven't a clue what he will grow up to be like, and that's a first for me. He is turning out to be the most affectionate cat I've ever had, and I'm so glad I brought him home. 

I am making my best effort to be at peace with Keish and Alberto's leaving me before I was ready to say good-bye.

Everything in His time.

 
Trades
I closed my 6A short (entered in February this year) last week, took a loss of more than USD 3000, and slept well for the first time in months.

My first day-trades since February:

CL 5min

GC 5min

@ Aaron: yes, you can send me a private mail at julianatse@gmail.com.

@ Lonely: a girl is allowed to whine :-P
I'm a Christian. Thought you knew?

@ Sean: Thank you for the touching note.
You asked:
--if I ignore news
Yes, I ignore news altogether. 
--if I base my judgment on certain candle patterns
Not entirely, since specific patterns don't "work on" all symbols and across all time-frames. For intraday charts, I find candlestick patterns frequently unreliable. That said, I have always used only candles (I am not able to read bar charts).
--if I watch several symbols, and wait patiently for a good setup in one, rather than just focusing on one thing every day
Yes, I watch up to 5 symbols at most, and wait IMpatiently for my preferred setup to show :-)
--if you should come to Singapore to look for Mr. Michael Woo
I am not sure that you will find Mr Woo. He has not been responding even to my texts and I am actually starting to get really worried about him.
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No Light at the End of the Tunnel

I re-homed Rob. 

Well, his foster did. 

It's for the best. 

Ali seems cool and calm again, Al and Luke seem to have become best buddies, and Cass seems sociable, playful and sweet again. D no longer had to break up fights in the middle of his conference calls, and is now able to allocate some time in the evening to play with Ali (D is Ali's favorite human).

But I am heartbroken. 

Rob has always been more like a puppy than a cat, following me around the house, talked and argued with me, and invited me to play just about any game he could think of all the time. He always ate whatever I gave him with much enthusiasm, which heartens me because it takes so much time and effort to plan and prepare their meals. 

Unfortunately, Rob is also a daredevil and headstrong kitten, whose energy level and playfulness overwhelmed my low-energy and no-nonsense girls, who accept an equally playful Luke only because he respects their boundaries. 

I still smell Rob in every corner of the house everyday, and think about how he is settling in his new home. It doesn't help that his new guardian works full-time away from home and has been unable to properly observe his interaction with her other cats to give me any useful information. 

Rob's foster has asked for my patience, and that we allow Rob a little more time to adapt to his new environment. 

It doesn't sound good to me.  

But I am starting to feel a little numb about losing cats. I used to be really afraid of losing Alberto, and wondered how I would live without him. And then all of a sudden, Alberto was gone. And life went on.  It had to; I couldn't afford time for grief. 

The period spanning 2012 and 2014 has seen me losing more than cats; I lost my entire family, immediate and extended, something I saw coming for allowing myself to fail catastrophically as an eldest sister, a daughter, a niece and a mother. 

D has been patient throughout, although I have spared no effort in pushing him away as well. I have always found it humiliating to keep those who don't love me in my life. I never thought I would say this, but I realize that no one loves me, and I love no one.

These days, only the twins, my dark and puckish but terribly adorable and loving nieces write/ text bomb me every few days, and visit from time to time. They turn 11 this year, and are still amused they have a cousin who is a Canadian residing in Hong Kong, and who has graduated from university while their friends have cousins who are little kids in elementary school. They met Celeste for the first time last year, or maybe the year before, and they got to meet Celeste's fiance during that trip. They have not asked me a single question about Celeste after they came home. Their diplomacy impressed me. These were the same kids who, out of curiosity about what people do with their pets after they passed on, asked me if I simply threw Alberto down the rubbish chute, and insisted on peeking into Alberto's urn.

I am still sitting on my 6A short. I had a chance to bail during contract rollover, but I didn't. Sitting has become a comfortable thing to do. 

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This is Water

I like David Foster Wallace, and readily identify with him. He reminds of my Dad, who 20 years ago, at 47, had hanged himself for reasons he had chosen not to divulge to anyone, at least not anyone I know.

It alarms me how the people I identify with tend to kill themselves...

But I have always loved C.S. Lewis, and that's gotta be good.

6A Short

My 6A short is still very red, but looking much better now than a month ago. I decided a hard stop is in order. Definitely not bailing right now. Call me stubborn or stupid or one of those who shouldn't trade, I am happy to sit on a trade that I have neither the time nor energy to monitor on even a daily basis.

Roberto

We took in a rescue cat whose foster mother named Cookie and whom we decide to call "Rob" (short for Roberto). Shan't post pictures in case I have to return him to his foster after the 2-week trial that ends next Monday. Rob has a sense of humor that is seriously lacking in my 3 standoffish British Shorthairs. The 3 girls expect the tiny guy to be initiated the exact way they were when they first joined the family. But Rob JUST REALLY WANTS TO HAVE FUN. My girls will have none of that. So, it's been difficult. The 3 girls promptly turn into cats from hell whenever Rob is allowed out of his room to roam the house. So, we'll see...

The Rogue Tenant

The dashing pilot has kept me occupied for the past weeks and is now the number one suspect for the return of these mysterious nerve pains that have plagued me and stumped general physicians and specialists for the past 20 years. 

Both D and our agent had a hard time getting the pilot off their backs since 2 months ago - I blame it on their tendency to be overly trusting, giving, and responsive to nonsense - and I stepped in to convince Mr Pilot he is better off staying til the end of the contract term, which is 6 months from now. He was scheduled to handover the apartment today (he was welcomed to, if he left a check before he handed over the keys), but notified our agent yesterday that he would stay til the end of the contract term. Yes, he most certainly messed with the wrong landlady. I can be a professional debt-collector! Hur..hur...hur...

I'll be on my guards from now on. It's a down-turning market - if my nicest tenant has attempted to profit from it (I would have let him off the hook, knowing full well what was cooking, had he not sabotaged all but the first viewings in a bid to discourage further viewings that disturb his relaxing evenings, and had he not patronized our agent who has become a trusted friend) at our expense, I am sure it's just a matter of time before the others get on board...

Job Application

I applied for a humble junior executive position at our AVA's Animal and Pets Sector, and they had promptly rejected me. I really shouldn't have said in 2500 words how much I love cats.

I fear if I don't find a job, or see green pastures, mountains, humongous lakes (I hate the sea) or snow soon enough I'll implode.

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Wall

Still sitting on 6A short. Red. Very red.

It turns out that we won't be moving back to my favorite apartment after all. Our very wonderful Japanese pilot tenant flies back to Japan at the end of the month, and I've kept myself busy looking for new tenants and managing existing ones. They say that over here, landlords are kings. What a load of crap.

Daniel comes home today, at 1am. I hate it when he's away - my cats won't let me sleep. I had to confine them in the bedroom with me to prevent them from skiing down the stairs in the middle of the night , catching and hanging from the dining chandelier on the way down.

Everything is going slow-mo for me. I feel like I'm 60 80.

Takes just 6 years of not being employed to stop looking like this. Hmm...

Albertina has grown. Too fast.

Albertina

Me

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Albertina

Trade
I am still holding my 6A short (and yes sitting on substantial paper loss) and not looking to close it just yet.
 
Albertina

I first saw 2-month old Albertina on 24th Feb, the day she was flown in from Australia,    also the day that Alberto was scheduled to be operated on at 12 noon.  D and I had driven Alberto from Dr Nathan's clinic to the specialist's clinic at 9am and was getting some cat canned food nearby while waiting for Alberto to come out of surgery.

Unlike Dr Nathan, who always allowed me to stay with Alberto and Keisha from clinic open to clinic close whenever they were hospitalized, the vet operating on Alberto didn't think it was a good idea for me to be with Alberto. 

It was very hard for me to leave Alberto - he had had his head buried in my arms, refusing to be taken away. When the vet brought out his carrier, Alberto, thinking it meant he was going home, hurried in. 

I can never forget that the last thing I did to Alberto was betray him. That was the last time I saw Alberto. Even though we hung around the vicinity, checking back in every few hours until the surgery was over at 9pm, the clinic did not allow me to see him afterall. It took me 2 days to begin to hate the vet surgeon with a vengeance for stopping me from staying with Alberto to the end. He hadn't the right.

Outside the operation room, I was told that although the surgery was a success and Alberto was comfortable, he was still in critical condition. 

Prior to the surgery, the renowned vet surgeon had claimed that Alberto was one of the oldest cat sent to him for a procedure that delicate, and warned that because of Alberto's age, he might not survive the surgery. I chose surgery still, over the only other alternative, which was to watch Alberto die a painful death within weeks.

At 8am the following morning, the surgeon called to deliver bad news. I rushed to the washroom to throw up. D came in shortly after, sat next to me, and cried. I told him we had to get to the pet shop where we met Albertina on the day Alberto went into surgery.

Dr Nathan's clinic got news of Alberto's passing from the vet surgeon, and Dr Nathan asked if we wished to see Alberto before he was cremated. D was lost as to where we should be heading. I was set on getting to the pet shop to get Alberto. D called the headquarters and asked for Albertina to be released during quarantine. He was able to talk  the management into making an exception for us, and we were all ready to pick up Albertina that evening of 25th Feb. 

When we arrived at the shop, we were told that Albertina's papers have not arrived from the headquarters, and because they were needed for us to bring Albertina to see a vet within 24 hours of picking her up, she could not be released. We were told to return 4 days later on the 1st of March. Although we insisted, the brunch rep wouldn't take a full payment and would accept only a deposit to hold Albertina for us. 

In the 3 days that followed, I drove from the far east to the west every morning to see Albertina. I would be there when the brunch rep was just getting ready to open for business, and leave only in the early evening when I needed to pick D up from his office near our home. I got to know all the kittens, and by day 1, I was helping to  take  questions from customers who had walked in during lunch when the rep was away, and convinced one to take a kitten.

On day 2, I was told that Albertina's refusal to eat had alarmed the head office. I had noticed too that all the other kittens were eating heartily. I was tempted to tell the rep that Alberto never ate kibbles, but was afraid that it might cause her to report back to the head office about me being a crackpot and that they should not let me have Albertina. Because the kittens were fed canned in the late evening, and Albertina would eat a little of their canned fish (Alberto never ate fish), I decided to keep my mouth shut and wait patiently for 1st March to get Albertina out of there. 

After I whispered to Albertina that she would have to start eating her kibbles if she wanted to go home with me, she went straight to her bowl and cleared half its content. She then came to me and rubbed her face on mine. Then she went back to the bowl to have some more. 

Later that day, I was informed that because Albertina wasn't eating as much as she was expected to, they would have to keep her in the shop beyond 1st March for observation. I asked when she would ultimately be released, and they couldn't give me an answer. 

There was a kitten there with rashes on her front leg and the lady who had paid to take her home had waited a month and was still waiting for the rashes to go away. I wasn't going to let Albertina stay there for another day, let alone a month. So I had the rep call the head office so I could speak with the manager. 

Despite my assuring the manager that I have had 17 to 18 years of experience looking after cats (I had been with Pilot's cat prior to bringing Alberto home), have gotten ready an entire floor with a huge on-suite playroom just for Albertina, and that Albertina was eating when I was there with her, the manager was unmoved. I had read up on the company and was aware they didn't have a very good reputation before but that was  many years back. It was obvious that they had become cautious to avoid being sued. But me being me, I was unable to negotiate over the phone. 

So I drove home. 

And cried. 

In the early morning of day 3, when D was on a conference call with New York, I took the carrier, my credit card and the car and headed for the pet shop. I knew that a relief staff was going to be there that day to cover the brunch rep who had to be at a pet convention. I had planned to pay for the balance of what it cost to bring Albertina home, and then grab Albertina no matter what.

The relief staff gave in after I insisted on making full payment and after I stopped her from calling the brunch rep. Midway into completing the paperwork, the relief staff realized that it was D who had put down the deposit and signed the initial documents. So D would have to make the rest of the payment and complete the  paperwork. The alternative was to re-do the paperwork with my particulars. But I had neglected to bring any picture IDs along in the rush to get there. I had to drive home to get my ID and that was what I did. I told the relief staff I would be back. 

A traffic jam kept me on the road for an hour. 

I stepped into the house to find D on the phone with the relief staff. She had called D after I failed to pick up my phone to inform us that the head office had ordered for Albertina to be kept for observation for as long as they were not comfortable with releasing her and that the relief staff was not allowed to accept the balance of the payment. 

According to D, the relief staff didn't take my trying to force the release of Albertina very well and had asked D to tell his wife to get a hold of herself (along that line... and D was aware of course that I was totally capable of taking Albertina by force if I had to, ONCE I PAID FOR HER IN FULL). 

D's response to the relief staff was that the conversation was above her pay grade (D's exact wording. Yes, that's a very pissed D) and she should get the manager to call.  

When the manager called, D first commended her and her company for their business ethics and their interests in their cats' welfare. Then he proceeded to give her the background of why I must have Albertina - something I had not thought of doing as I didn't think people would listen to something that absurd - and then reasoned with her that Albertina would be much better off with me, someone who doesn't work (again, something that I had failed to mention because I had gotten so used to my non-working status...anyway, what it meant was that my not having declared upfront that I am a hermit had had the manager thinking I was going to leave Albertina in a huge house all by herself) and hence is able to give Albertina undivided attention, than with her staff and her staff's assistant who together had to watch over a dozen kittens. 

To address the manager's true concern, D volunteered to sign an indemnity relieving the company of all responsibilities once Albertina was out of the shop.  The manager was sold. And Albertina was in my arms the following morning as we drove to Dr Nathan's for a check to make sure Albertina didn't have anything that would pass to Ali and Cass. 

I didn't have the heart to leave Albertina on a level while we went about our business on the level above her. Instead, I had her confined to a smaller room within the master bedroom (the studies is at the other end of the family area) and away from her sisters during her induction. 

Long story short, Albertina wanted out of the room to be with Ali and Cass on the first day that she was home (much like Cassandra, who needed no introduction to the house, and nil confinement to adapt to the supposedly strange environment she was brought in to...). She now roams the entire house, is happy as a lark, eats 8 to 10 % her body weight (Albertina is on a pure raw diet) and loves goat's milk.

Cass watches over Al like a mother, and Al loves to head butt her. She always approaches Cass first, then me, for kisses and rubs.

Ali, on the other hand, seemed somewhat conflicted and a tad disturbed. She would lick Al, then growl and swipe at her. 

Al has been very persistent in reacquainting though. She has been enticing Ali to be nice by rubbing her face against Ali's and she would do that multiple times a day. She isn't intimidated by the much bigger Ali who is also feisty and very agile (Ali is a mutant British Shorthair who has no problem jumping nearly 6 feet in one leap). Albertina has taken Ali's animosity in stride and doesn't seem like she's ever going to give up on trying to become Ali's friend. 

To prevent the very tiny Al from falling down the stairs through the gaps between the steps and from the side, I had spent days putting up mesh and fabrics, entire king-size bedsheets and quilts to temporarily cover gaps and create safety nets for Albertina (prior to that, all 3 cats were confined to the studies and the bedroom to stop them from accessing the staircase - and I gather that upset Ali further since she had enjoyed dashing around the level 2 family area in the period after D's mother left and before Al got here). Albertina seemed to know...although it's her habit to follow Cass everywhere Cass goes, she has been staying upstairs in the studies with me after the first day that she was allowed to venture downstairs. It's an Alberto thing - he always knew when I was worried and he would do what he could to not have me worry. 

Like Alberto too, Albertina doesn't get enough sleep. She would kick paper balls around to entertain me whenever I got near her cozy corner. Alberto used to follow me around whenever I was home (and I was home all the time since late 2007), and would sleep only when I slept. 

And Albertina has a distinctive black stripe on her back, right where Alberto's bones had fused together in his later years. Even Gremlins, my little nieces, the adorably evil twins, noticed it.

Albertina

 

Cassandra and Albertina

 

Cassandra

Alessandra

Alessandra and Cassandra

when they were still friends...

Alessandra, Cassandra and Albertina

A video that Gremlins had me check out (D and I totally love it ):



A dark and sad story with a really sad theme song (which I love...D, not so much...):
 
子連れ狼 (Lone wolf and Cub)



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Ne Me Quitte Pas

In June 2012, D's mother left her home in LA to live with us here. I had invited her. That was what D would have wanted. 

All was good at first. My mother-in-law was elegant, eloquent, intelligent and caring - just spectacularly charming. What was truly comforting was that she didn't mind my 3 feline kids. I actually thought she loved them, until I saw her kick Ali at 3am one night, when she thought no one was watching. 

Three months later in September 2012, my 14-year-old Keish stopped eating, and died three days later while hospitalized. I watched as she opened her eyes to take a last look at me. She had had her eyes close throughout when Dr Nathan was working on her, and I was happy to see her open her eyes to look for me. I had no idea she was breathing her last breath. I was confused by the sudden chaos in the surgery room and tried to ask what was going on. But everyone seemed busy and I didn't want to get in the way. When Dr Nathan asked me if she should try to bring Keish back, I answered "of course" without actually understanding her question. When I was finally able to comprehend what it was all about, Keish's lifeless body was already back in my arms. I rocked her for as long as they would let me. I remember telling D that I had to bring Keish home as I had promised her I would. I remember not wanting to leave without Keish, and Dr Nathan was kind enough to arrange for someone at the morgue to wait for me to bring Keish in really late that night. A huge part of me died when I wrapped Keish in the white towel that I figured they were going to burn her in. 

Since Keish left, I have hardly stepped out, and stopped talking with anyone I know. I would not read anything, and almost lost all motivation to write. I was with Al, Ali and Cass a lot, and took lots of pictures of them. I smoked a lot, watched a lot of sad movies, ate a lot of almond roca, and made lots of ginger tea. And those were about all I did, and all I wanted to do.  We bought a bigger place two months later in November because D's mother brought with her so much stuff they were cluttering my minimalist apartment. We were unable to settle down at our new place - renovation went on non-stop to cater to the needs of one single person - D's mother.  I had D move her out five months later in April 2013 to allow myself total peace and solitude. 

Six months later in October 2013, after hearing from D that his mother felt insecure about living a block away from us, I found us an even bigger place to move her back in with us. My only condition was that we maintained a separate living arrangement - she would take the entire level below ours, and we would have separate entrances. She agreed. Everything seemed fine initially - although D and I had to take care of all her meals (she wouldn't cook or go out to get her own food) and everything else she needed including cosmetics and entertainment, we no longer had to observe bizarre rituals resembling those practiced in the inner courts of the Forbidden City. 

The good days lasted barely a month. By November, I was confining D and I and our cats to the studies, tip-toeing back to our bedroom only after 1am when I was sure my mother-in-law was fast asleep. By late January 2014, I had arranged for her belongings to be shipped to LA, got her a one-way ticket home, and hired a limo to send her to the airport. 

She flew on February 15. 

10 days later, Alberto died. 

I felt like my life was over, until I found Albertina. 

As a Christian, I do not believe in re-incarnation and past lives. That said, I have come to the conclusion that Albertina is Alberto coming home to us, exactly the way Keish did as Cass.  

We plan to move back to the apartment where Keish last lived so the viewing and packing will start all over again. 

Meanwhile, I am trying to get back to trading. Still in a 6A short and closing the position probably later today:

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Trades and Such

CELESTE
I was asked why I don't write my daughter.

The reasons are many:

1) I didn't raise Celeste. Her father's sister - who gave up her own relationship for Celeste, and remains single today - did, and she shouldn't have to live in constant fear that I would take Celeste away from her whenever I feel like it.

2) I didn't raise Celeste. Since she was a month old, she was taken to live with her father's family in Hong Kong while I continued my studies in Canada. I am very fortunate that my ex in-laws are amazingly good people who share only what is good about me with Celeste, and she grew up really wanting to know me. She would ask everyone she knew who knew me about what kind of a person I was, and she would knit me scarves and write letters for Seabloke to pass to me whenever Sea visited Hong Kong.

It hurts me a great deal whenever someone truly loves me and I can't reciprocate. Because I know for a fact that time always heals, and no one's irreplaceable,  I have always chosen to avoid contact with people I cannot commit to caring for, knowing that they are much better off investing their emotional energy somewhere else.

3) Celeste never needed me. Her father came from a good family, and they raised her really well. She graduates from university this year, and has a very good boyfriend. She is a scientist, an artist, and a diplomat, and she is very cute. Her life has always been the envy of many - she's been to more countries throughout her childhood than Seabloke, Pilot and me, and everyone in her extended family adores and dotes on her. To have me in her life is like accidentally smearing on the work of Van Gogh.

I am not the kind that pays too much attention to kinship. I love Seabloke not because she is blood, but because she makes it a point to love me regardless of my flaws and our fights, and I can find myself readily loving her back. I can reciprocate easily, and therefore we can be in close contact. I do not buy relationships where any one party is harmed by the others within. In my relationship with Celeste, and many others that crossed my path before, they were hurting because I couldn't give them the time and attention they needed from me, and I had to let all of them go - some cruelly - and all survived the heartbreak and are now living happily with people who are not like me.

TRADING
Despite a very busy week (D had root canal and wisdom teeth surgery, Alberto had respiratory problems and a bad cold, I am finally diagnosed with chronic asthmatic bronchitis, and we have been driving from the far east to the west end and back almost everyday because the dentist, my doctor, and the vet are all in the west while we live 3 minutes' drive from our airport in the east, and it didn't help that Singapore had the worst air in her brief history), I managed to trade for the most part of last week.

6J 15min

Life in General

I am officially off nicotine for a month now. It's not been hard at all, thanks to my very sensitive airway that simply wouldn't put up with chemicals. I have been brewing ginger tea at the advice of my doctor, and have finally decided to eat a variety of food provided by this company that came highly recommended by their competitor who couldn't deliver to my area. They are considered costly (near $500 for dinner for 2) by many who use catering service, but they are still a lot less costly than my usual arrangement (although I ate only fish and vegetables, they came expensive from a favorite restaurant). I am starting to take pork, beef and other unknowns, and am hoping that my allergies will go away soon so I can go back to just eating fish and vegetables and to SMOKING. 

Because of the change in diet, my withdrawal from nicotine and other drugs, my complexion has been great  - I have rosy cheeks all day long, and I can see the entire network of veins running underneath the skin of my entire body. I am sure that's some kind of illness though. 

I turned 41 yesterday. We celebrated by eating and sleeping for half the day, and grocery shopping (we had to go out to get the rare fresh air) and giving D's car a very professional wash (D will not let others wash his car - I do an even better job than him especially when it comes to cleaning his wheels) for the rest. I asked for no birthday wishes, gifts, and cakes, and because only cleaners and online delivery shops and Seabloke and a few really close friends have my new contact, I received no birthday greetings, and it was just the way I want it.

I still love this Joseph Koo's piece from those days when Sea and I would take sneak peeks at Hong Kong series we were not allowed to stay up to watch once our Dad was in bed:

風雲 

青山原是我身邊伴 伴著白雲在我前
碧海是我的心中樂 與我風裏渡童年

當初你面對山海約誓 此生相愛永不變
想不到海山竟多變幻 再也不見舊時面

是誰令青山也變 變了俗氣的咀臉
又是誰令碧海也變 變作濁流滔天

風中仍共你癡癡愛在 未讓暴雲壞諾言
即使那海枯青山陷 與你的約誓也不變遷

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Trades 6/14 (Fri)

6J 15min

D got home early today, and I am happy. I remind me of 24 season 4's Erin Driscoll's schizophrenic daughter, who utterly hates being without her mother's company. 

D is starting to work from home a lot because it makes me happy to have him at home - even when he is on conference call the entire time. To a certain extent, he loves the free-flowing coffee and the quiet (I am with my hands-free listening to TV, movies, and anything on you-tube that interest me until D announces his working day is officially over - sometimes at 12am), I think. 

Little wonder that I have always loved this story to death. 

This is for my very dear friend, J (I got all your mails, by the way, and archive and re-read all of them) , who I have not written to in a long time, for the very same reason I don't write my own 22-year-old daughter, who I love with all my heart: 

This is the best first dance I've seen, and really enjoy watching (started out ordinary, be patient and wait for the best parts to roll in):

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Trades 6/12 - 6/13 (Wed - Thurs)

6J 15min (Wed)

6J 15min (Thurs)

Alberto has been hacking a lot too for the past 3 days. Since 4am my time today, we were both running numerous times to our respective restrooms to try to spit out something, and crossing path so many times it made me laugh. 

I tried to console Al, and Al tried to console me the typical Alberto way (sitting on my chest and putting his paws under my chin). 

Al will be seeing dear Dr Nathan (whom I text late last night for help, and she wrote back almost immediately as she always did in the past) tomorrow, and I am finally going to see my very expensive family physician on Saturday (I gave up on D's company doctor). I hope both Al and I will stop coughing and sneezing so we could join the the girls (Ali and Cass) and D in all the fun they are having every night. 

I moved Ali and Cass' dining area again. The original dining table is actually a kitchen island for human beings and has the perfect height for grooming the 2 girls and Al. I've made it a point to groom all 3 every day (I learnt from watching "Robot and Frank" (my favorite movie after Iron Man) that someone like me can really use some ROUTINE), with Cass needing more care because we just found out that she is actually a SCOTTISH FOLD with straight ears (??!!!!!!). Explains her excessive ear wax, and extremely silly disposition compared to Alessandra and Alberto (the typical British COOL). 

Cassandra and Alessandra

Cass

Ali and Cass

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One Day at a Time

I've been asking myself this a lot recently : is trading really my calling, and if it is, how is it a calling when what I'm doing is simply eat what I kill?

I found the answer when I was re-reading Philip Yancey's "Rumors of Another World". 

So, I am going to continue to blog for as long as there are still people reading. 

I coerced D into taking a trip to the breeder with me yesterday. I even brought along a carrier - I was determined to bring home another kitten. But when we got there, I thought about how attached Cassandra is to me, and how upset Ali was when Cassandra came, and how I would feel if D were to get a few mistresses to live with me. And we went home empty-handed. 

D didn't ask but I told him anyway - I have stopped taking all my medication and quit smoking and the next thing I was going to do was to get a full body checkup. Then I was going to get pregnant. That was plan A. It didn't work out. So I executed ridiculous plan B. It's good I realized my stupidity soon enough.

My cough is not getting better, and I am getting more lethargic with each day passing. I spend my non-trading hours watching a 3-season ATV production on really cool vampires , reading about friends' kids on Facebook, and going over pictures of friends in HK, the US and Canada. I really miss the snow.

A friend shared a clip on the dance troupe "Attraction" dancing to this song that I'm loving very much:

The dance:


And since we're at it (indulge me, at least watch 02:47 - 04:00):



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Reply to Emails

I am writing to give an interim response to the emails I have received regarding the closing of this blog. 

The settling of my mother-in-law at her new residence has been tiring - physically and mentally - and I've hardly had the time to read your mails carefully. I don't want to give casual replies - judging from the length of some of your letters, I know that's quite a bit of investment on your time and energy. I want you to know that I hear and feel for you, and am grateful that you take the time to write me. 

I will start by addressing the question of "why facebook?". The reason is straightforward - I want to be writing only for people who understand me, and love and accept me for who I am. It annoys me to know that there are those out there who are reading who don't think I am entitled to my feelings. The thought of going underground has crossed my mind many times in the last 5 years that I've been blogging, and each time I want to go into hiding it's been that I have been angry. And I've returned every time because of very specific reasons that I don't have the time to share right now. 

I was determined this time to not be talked into writing for all to see ever again. I am not so sure now.

To those who think I have neither the reason nor right to complain about my life, I wish you'll come to accept that unhappy people are everywhere. I do not see people living in war-torn and impoverished countries as the reason I should feel great about where I am. I have read blogs of happy people who were living in extremely treacherous conditions and I have to say I was envious. 

But I am not writing today to start a debate on whether I have the right to feel really lousy. 

To those who tell me that my writing/ my life has been inspiring - I take it that what you are really meaning to say is that my episodes of falling down really hard and picking myself up again have given you hope that you can do the same too. I promise you then that you most definitely can, if only you believe, from your hearts of hearts, that you ARE what you THINK. Personally, knowing that I can never be given more pain than I can bear has been the only reason I am willing to get up and risk falling again. 

To those who ask how I have managed to live a close to normal life - I FIGHT to live one on a daily basis. Some battles are rather ugly - like sending away the mother-in-law who is, at least for now, not willing to even try to see that I am NOT normal despite my very sane appearance - and expensive - like paying for a place to house my mother-in-law and everything that she needs to make her feel that she is still being cared for; some, extremely selfish - like getting rid of all the toxic people in my life.

To those who wonder if the constant need to be alone is a sign that you need help - I'll say it depends on whether you feel peaceful and joyful when being left alone. I am mostly very relaxed and calm when left alone with my cats and my thoughts. 

I am aware I lack the emotional maturity of a 40-year-old, and am definitely not the best person to give advice to many of you. But you asked me about me, so I tell you as much as I can about me. As long as you have some use of what I have shared, I will be happy I have done something for someone. 

Thank you once again for your letters to my email and facebook account, and all your comments here. I am still not decided on whether I will move my post to facebook - given that many of you don't wish to start a facebook account, and I totally understand why you don't. 

In any case, I need a short break to take care of my mother-in-law's moving out, and time to re-charge. 

That said, I will attempt to reply to all your mails - just give me a little more time.

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Jumbled, as Always

6J 5min

April 1st to 4th (Monday - Thursday)

Thank you all for your comments, and I'm sorry to those who have sent messages and friend requests to my facebook account. I had a tough day yesterday and didn't get the chance to respond.

D returned to work yesterday after having worked from home for 2 days on Monday and Tuesday. He has been my shield in the past weeks - with him gone, all the strange activities at home re-surfaced to haunt me. 

I suffered a panic attack in the middle of my trade, and felt faint and angry after that. I locked myself and my cats in the room until D returned from work. 

D's presence helped for a while, until he too started to irritate me. I left my desk and my trade, and came back only when D was going to turn in. I closed my trade after a heated argument with D. 

I was going to pack, all ready to leave, when I realized I had nowhere to go that would allow me to keep my cats.

I spent the night staying half awake.

After D went to work this morning , I locked myself and my cats in my room again, blasting classical music and Korean drama soundtracks. 

Then I saw on 4-hourly what was a confirmation of the trade I entered prematurely/too late yesterday. There was no reason to wait til the time I usually like to operate in. Plus I was really angry, and every cell in my body wanted to give away to the market what was meant for the people who don't love me.

I know He has been kind to me. I want to stay away for a while to think about what I have done. I will get a good sleep today, and spend the rest of the week responding to messages on facebook. 

I will start trading in mid April after my mother in law has moved out and settled at her new place, or in late April in the event that I bring forward my business trip. Charts will be posted on facebook and shared with friends. 

As I have promised Soulfire, I will close my blog only at the end of April

Solfest - If you'll let me have your email address, I will send you my diary daily.

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Final Post

This is my last post on this blog. 

Effective today, I will be posting my diary and charts on facebook. 

If you would like to keep in contact, you can find me here. Please send me a message instead of a friend request so I know exactly who you are.

This blog will be closed once I have heard from all my friends. 

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Trades 4/1 and 4/2 and I am Free

6J 5min

Lots happened at home last week - on top of the half a dozen people moving about the house everyday getting things fixed, my mother in law was pushing my buttons at shorter intervals, triggering one of my biggest meltdown.

On Friday morning, I contacted my agent and viewings were arranged the very evening. Paper work has since been completed, and we are going to be living separately 3 days from now. I could finally find the peace to resume trading on Monday.

I am making a living for the family - mostly for D and his mum - so I am not going to apologize for taking the liberty to secure the personal space and peace of mind I need in order to work effectively.

As always, I appreciate all the comments.

@ Soulfire: you know me well :-)

明明


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Trades 3/22 (Thurs)

6J 1min

CL 5min

Today was supposed to be a non-trading day for me, so I didn't even have my charts opened. D had to work from home after all, so I went to work on my other project. All was well until D's mum came to mess with my mind AGAIN. I am starting to think she is evil. For the first time, I refused to hide my frustration. "PLEASE, Mama!" were the only words I summoned enough courage to say. She turned and walked away immediately, right when D came to check on us. 

Long story short, I was too pissed to try to make sense of what happened, and by instinct, simply opened my charts so I could be at a happier place. 

I ended up trading around the pivot level first in yen, then in oil - something I avoid doing especially during globex hours whenever I am not trading angry. After 3 trades, I realized the folly of what I was doing, and got out in the nick of time. 

D spoke to his mum again, which I knew was going to be just another futile attempt to get her to accept me for who I am. According to D, she cried. I wasn't surprised. Manipulative females do that. 

The verdict was exactly what I expected - mama is good and innocent; jules is eccentric and evil.

I will never be the person that D loves the most, and I'm glad I always know that. And I'm most glad that I have always taken it with a pinch of salt when he says he understands me. 

I have been mentally prepared for a while now to move out with my cats when things get rough. I still cannot believe that D and I have come this far - a bad ending is easier to grasp.

指望

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