Monday, June 24, 2013

Trades and Such

I was asked why I don't write my daughter.

The reasons are many:

1) I didn't raise Celeste. Her father's sister - who gave up her own relationship for Celeste, and remains single today - did, and she shouldn't have to live in constant fear that I would take Celeste away from her whenever I feel like it.

2) I didn't raise Celeste. Since she was a month old, she was taken to live with her father's family in Hong Kong while I continued my studies in Canada. I am very fortunate that my ex in-laws are amazingly good people who share only what is good about me with Celeste, and she grew up really wanting to know me. She would ask everyone she knew who knew me about what kind of a person I was, and she would knit me scarves and write letters for Seabloke to pass to me whenever Sea visited Hong Kong.

It hurts me a great deal whenever someone truly loves me and I can't reciprocate. Because I know for a fact that time always heals, and no one's irreplaceable,  I have always chosen to avoid contact with people I cannot commit to caring for, knowing that they are much better off investing their emotional energy somewhere else.

3) Celeste never needed me. Her father came from a good family, and they raised her really well. She graduates from university this year, and has a very good boyfriend. She is a scientist, an artist, and a diplomat, and she is very cute. Her life has always been the envy of many - she's been to more countries throughout her childhood than Seabloke, Pilot and me, and everyone in her extended family adores and dotes on her. To have me in her life is like accidentally smearing on the work of Van Gogh.

I am not the kind that pays too much attention to kinship. I love Seabloke not because she is blood, but because she makes it a point to love me regardless of my flaws and our fights, and I can find myself readily loving her back. I can reciprocate easily, and therefore we can be in close contact. I do not buy relationships where any one party is harmed by the others within. In my relationship with Celeste, and many others that crossed my path before, they were hurting because I couldn't give them the time and attention they needed from me, and I had to let all of them go - some cruelly - and all survived the heartbreak and are now living happily with people who are not like me.

Despite a very busy week (D had root canal and wisdom teeth surgery, Alberto had respiratory problems and a bad cold, I am finally diagnosed with chronic asthmatic bronchitis, and we have been driving from the far east to the west end and back almost everyday because the dentist, my doctor, and the vet are all in the west while we live 3 minutes' drive from our airport in the east, and it didn't help that Singapore had the worst air in her brief history), I managed to trade for the most part of last week.

6J 15min

Life in General
I am officially off nicotine for a month now. It's not been hard at all, thanks to my very sensitive airway that simply wouldn't put up with chemicals. I have been brewing ginger tea at the advice of my doctor, and have finally decided to eat a variety of food provided by this company that came highly recommended by their competitor who couldn't deliver to my area. They are considered costly (near $500 for dinner for 2) by many who use catering service, but they are still a lot less costly than my usual arrangement (although I ate only fish and vegetables, they came expensive from a favorite restaurant). I am starting to take pork, beef and other unknowns, and am hoping that my allergies will go away soon so I can go back to just eating fish and vegetables and to SMOKING. 

Because of the change in diet, my withdrawal from nicotine and other drugs, my complexion has been great  - I have rosy cheeks all day long, and I can see the entire network of veins running underneath the skin of my entire body. I am sure that's some kind of illness though. 

I turned 41 yesterday. We celebrated by eating and sleeping for half the day, and grocery shopping (we had to go out to get the rare fresh air) and giving D's car a very professional wash (D will not let others wash his car - I do an even better job than him especially when it comes to cleaning his wheels) for the rest. I asked for no birthday wishes, gifts, and cakes, and because only cleaners and online delivery shops and Seabloke and a few really close friends have my new contact, I received no birthday greetings, and it was just the way I want it.

I still love this Joseph Koo's piece from those days when Sea and I would take sneak peeks at Hong Kong series we were not allowed to stay up to watch once our Dad was in bed:


青山原是我身邊伴 伴著白雲在我前
碧海是我的心中樂 與我風裏渡童年

當初你面對山海約誓 此生相愛永不變
想不到海山竟多變幻 再也不見舊時面

是誰令青山也變 變了俗氣的咀臉
又是誰令碧海也變 變作濁流滔天

風中仍共你癡癡愛在 未讓暴雲壞諾言
即使那海枯青山陷 與你的約誓也不變遷

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Singapore Man of Leisure said...


You write beautifully on your interesting life.

Glad you are happy and at peace.


Mike Salisbury said...

Hi Jules, I am a silent reader of your blog. I just wanted to tell you I really enjoy your posts. I am also trading the yen futures, this past week was a tough one though for me. your cats are cute :-)