Sandy asked at the beginning of the month why I was on sim.
A very simple answer is that I simply lost the will to fight my inner demons. I still loved to watch charts, and I still loved trading, and that was why I had continued to trade on sim.
A complicated answer would be that I realized I didn't love money enough to be able to make money from trading IN THE LONG RUN. I needed to get back into the real world where I could learn to appreciate the value of money from people who aren't like me. A friend asks if I feel rich. I say I do, because there's nothing that I want that I can't afford. Yachts, personal jets, mansions, palaces, precious stones, designer everything (bags, shoes, clothes,etc) don't make the list of things I want. Then it got me thinking: what is it that I really, really want? I was asked in a personal mastery boot-camp a few years ago a question along the line of why was I enrolled in the course (that segment was designed to make participants CRY, or at least have a minor breakdown of sorts, in the hope that that could help them connect with what lies deep within...anyway it got to a point where I nearly killed the coaches who kept asking me to ask myself "why am I here"). None of my answers satisfy them. And I was baffled when I realized that the answer they were looking for were a combination of the following:
I want to be able to travel the world in x number of years
I want to be make x amount of millions in y number of years
I want to be able to enjoy total financial freedom in x number of years
I want to give my dependents the best
I want to get out of poverty
I want to buy a Ferrari
I want to buy a jet
I want to be the number 1 insurance/property agent in the whole asia pacific region
and so on and so forth
The answer that I gave that they kept rejecting was: I want to be a better person for the person I love. And even when I clarified that that included NOT being a burden to the person, it wasn't good enough for them. At one point they were kind enough to prompt me with this: "so what is it that you want for YOURSELF?". I said I WANTED a happy partner. They gave up and I became the notorious participant who was beyond help. Didn't matter that I paid thousands...
Anyway, I really digressed.
So the question I ask myself these days is if I am truly not capable of making an obscene amount of money because there is nothing that's motivating me to make it.
I am still not getting anywhere near to what I really want to say about why I dropped real money trading.
The simplest way that I can put this is this: if I am not going to be making money, the best I can do is to stop losing it in trading.
D has finished his work, and is expecting me to wrap up too.
And I haven't even got to the juicy bit about my struggles for the past weeks...
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A very simple answer is that I simply lost the will to fight my inner demons. I still loved to watch charts, and I still loved trading, and that was why I had continued to trade on sim.
A complicated answer would be that I realized I didn't love money enough to be able to make money from trading IN THE LONG RUN. I needed to get back into the real world where I could learn to appreciate the value of money from people who aren't like me. A friend asks if I feel rich. I say I do, because there's nothing that I want that I can't afford. Yachts, personal jets, mansions, palaces, precious stones, designer everything (bags, shoes, clothes,etc) don't make the list of things I want. Then it got me thinking: what is it that I really, really want? I was asked in a personal mastery boot-camp a few years ago a question along the line of why was I enrolled in the course (that segment was designed to make participants CRY, or at least have a minor breakdown of sorts, in the hope that that could help them connect with what lies deep within...anyway it got to a point where I nearly killed the coaches who kept asking me to ask myself "why am I here"). None of my answers satisfy them. And I was baffled when I realized that the answer they were looking for were a combination of the following:
I want to be able to travel the world in x number of years
I want to be make x amount of millions in y number of years
I want to be able to enjoy total financial freedom in x number of years
I want to give my dependents the best
I want to get out of poverty
I want to buy a Ferrari
I want to buy a jet
I want to be the number 1 insurance/property agent in the whole asia pacific region
and so on and so forth
The answer that I gave that they kept rejecting was: I want to be a better person for the person I love. And even when I clarified that that included NOT being a burden to the person, it wasn't good enough for them. At one point they were kind enough to prompt me with this: "so what is it that you want for YOURSELF?". I said I WANTED a happy partner. They gave up and I became the notorious participant who was beyond help. Didn't matter that I paid thousands...
Anyway, I really digressed.
So the question I ask myself these days is if I am truly not capable of making an obscene amount of money because there is nothing that's motivating me to make it.
I am still not getting anywhere near to what I really want to say about why I dropped real money trading.
The simplest way that I can put this is this: if I am not going to be making money, the best I can do is to stop losing it in trading.
D has finished his work, and is expecting me to wrap up too.
And I haven't even got to the juicy bit about my struggles for the past weeks...
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6 comments:
Jules,
I agree - money is just a way of keeping score when it comes to trading.
For me trading live money isn't about making $ and then buying X. Trading live is simply the hardest thing I've ever done. The purpose of trading for me at least is to become better each day at facing down those inner demons. To compete with my best self. To become better.
Not suprisingly this approach has reduced the stress of making $ or losing $. I don't care about that. Did I trade my best?
Good luck with your journey.
LT
I've had this problem with motivation too when it comes to money, I think greed is dangerous and silly. A person with 100 million is not 10x happier than a person with 10 million, yet for some people its never enough, people need to figure out what they really want and once they have enough they should make time for other things. For me trading is about getting peace and quiet away from others and more free time to travel etc. which is what I'll do once I've met my trading goals.
Ah Jules,
Love... You have made me warm and fuzzy all over again.
My love is happily married in Singapore (and she is my best friend still), while my ex-lover in Shanghai has also married after I moved to Athens from Shanghai.
The greatest gift of happiness I ever gave them both was to let them go... I don't know what's wrong with me; but I tend to hurt the persons I love most.
Seeing them happy makes me happy.
I can love; but I can't commit. Men! (OK, insect!) I have not grown up yet. LOL!
Thank you, LT :-)
Yes, it's ironic, isn't it? That to trade well, you have to NOT feel for money?
My plight is that I think my subconscious hates money and sees it as the root of all evil, even though my conscious knows that it isn't money that's evil.
Perhaps something to do with what I saw as I was growing up - that things get ugly when money is involved, and how readily people trade their principles, pride and people for money.
I couldn't have agreed with you more, TT :-)
I was just telling D last night, after having dropped trading totally - along with daily journalling too - for almost month now, that I haven't the words to describe how much I miss the peace of being with just my charts and being with people who share my interest, perhaps even values and beliefs, and who know me much better than those I interact with in the real world.
Yes, I also like the idea that trading gives the option of living anywhere I want. Away from civilization is the best (as long as there's internet connection of course).
Aww...SMOL..
Yep, I can never make sense of why people give away people they love who love them back. I really think that if you truly love someone, that love is really enough.
But then again, who am I to talk about love, when I haven't an inkling what true love is? :-)
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