Friday, November 25, 2011

Standing All Alone

Life without my computer has been a pain. D and I have been staying over at a friend's while waiting for renovation to complete. We moved into the new place this week, even though major work is still being done in the living room, kitchen, and the guest room. I'm glad that the studies is ready, and my computer's set up.

In the time that I was offline, I had gone back to doing something I have loved since I was a child: reading a real book. As far as the new job's concerned, progress has been slow, largely due to the fact that I was distracted by all the logistics of moving from central Singapore to the far east. Also, my cats have kept me in most of the time, since I didn't want to leave them alone while staying at our friend's.

From the very first day that we've moved into the new place, I've had to stay in to make sure my cats are safely kept away while the contractors are at work. All the deliveries are starting to come in, and we finally finished buying all the furniture for the house last night.

D and I have been fighting almost every other day. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm not liking anything he does and say, and hates everything he's not done and said. At first it seemed it was because of the extra time we had together (D was on a LONG one-week leave to move us from our old place to our friend's); the fact that we have continued to fight after he's gone back to work suggest to me that the issue  is more complex than we thought.

It took me a while to realize it's probably because I have had a lot more idling time to notice, scrutinize and  dwell on matters that I had overlooked while I was busy with my charts in the past 3 years.

I started to:

- Notice how different D and I are in terms of our outlook on life and in our interpretation of what makes a meaningful life

- Figure out that D will never leave Singapore for a more laid-back lifestyle elsewhere. He loves the Ion, Palais Renaissance, The Paragon, and The Shoppes at Marina Bay Sands; I love this.

- Become painfully aware of the fact that D is totally capable of being gentle, attentive and caring towards women, and that he is bent on not showing that side of him to me and possibly me alone. According to D, it is easy to want to be nice to most other women because he can FEEL their emotions. Me? I am just a perfect block of ICE that doesn't wink an eye at anything - be it others' or my own misfortune. After that, he went on to cite an example of how I didn''t even frown after I dislocated my ankle and he brought me to the clinic only the day after, when I could no longer walk, because I had told him about the fall as if I was simply recounting a minor incident so he didn't even check my ankle (I used to wear long skirts with tights, so hardly anyone got to see my ankles) - just to prove his point.

I am starting to hear from old acquaintances who are offering me jobs. It's time like this that reminds me how high up the corporate ladder I would have climbed by now had I not chosen to give up everything to walk a path most still scoff at today.

The new home is filled with beautiful things. But my heart still feels completely empty.  


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6 comments:

Singapore Man Of Leisure said...

I always love reading your personal postings. It helps me recognise my own reflection in the mirror too.

Whenever I come back to Singapore for 2 to 3 weeks during my home-leave, there wiil be days I had my "quarrels" with my mom...

Imagine waiting a whole bloody year to be with her, and get this grief!? Then I realise that I can't stick like shadow to her all the time during my time back in Singapore.

2 to 3 days of "I miss you I miss you" is enough for my mom. LOL! We need our own space :)

Jules, D is crying out to be your knight in shining armour. Play the damsel in distress once in a while. Sign up for an acting class?

Role-play is fun! I simply love Sailor-moon... Oops, I should not reveal my cosplay fetish...

5 more weeks Jules! I flying back on 30 Dec 2011 - still trying to milk my company for a SQ flight. Last chance! It's now or never!

Singapore Man Of Leisure said...

P.S.

I've dedicated this song to you and D in my blog.

What comes to my mind reading your post is that you are singing this song to D, and he singing the same song to you :)

(Hope you do listen to chinese songs!?)

Times of Your Life said...

computer, smartphone are very important hahahhaa

seabloke said...

kids' laughter fills that void. For me at least.

longandwrong said...

>The new home is filled with beautiful things. But my heart still feels completely empty.

It saddens me to say it, but welcome to the 21st Century.

It's a real shame we haven't been able to enjoy all of the advances (human rights, medicine etc.) without throwing out most of what gave life meaning.

Seabloke (who may or may not be a bloke, I forget!) has found something meaningful, you have to start finding your own 'void-filling'.

In found Utah Phillip's advice most useful, "Flee to the wilderness, the one within if you can find it".

longandwrong said...

^ I found

(Trading e/u and e/j during this Euro-crisis, it is amazing that I can even strike *any* keys at the end of a long day!)